I really had to take a moment and reflect on not just the year itself, but what I want to accomplish and to acquire. I have spent many a night grieving over things that I thought I lacked; over people that were really weren't much of a loss to begin with; and situations that just were not for me. Even now, as I type this, I am reminding myself of who has always been the greatest contributor to those I care(d) about and to be honest, it has always been me. I have spent the last four years focused on digging myself out of a mental graveyard in search of my definition of heaven.
And for the record, I am still searching.
However, I thought I would take a moment to reflect on the things that I am truly grateful for.
Family. Without those that I am not only bound to by blood but are in consistent contact with everyday, I have no idea where I would be mentally. They are the ones whom have wiped my tears, kept me grounded and remind me that I am important; that I am loved; and that I matter.
My craft. Despite all of the obstacles that I have faced and the sleepless, tearful nights spent facing a laptop, writing has always been my creative outlet. Writing is such a significant component of my identity that I would not know who i am with out it. Writing is the space where I can manifest the "god" in me and create. The art/act of creation is such a fundamental need for my spirit. I have to, I must, life does not exist without it. And I am thankful that I have been able to fully embrace that aspect of myself.
Employment. Say what you want but to still be gainfully employed during a period in human history where damn near everything is uncertain, is something to be grateful for. My line of work is not easy, but it is part of my calling.
Me. I am grateful for how far I have come. My path, my walk, my journey has not been easy - not saying that everyone else's journey has been a walk in the park. I've grown. I have weathered severe emotional storms that left me feeling battered, weak and just over life in general. Spirit has always been with me. God has always kept me safe by removing me from situations or removing people out of my life that meant me no good will. I am still learning how to be at peace with myself. There are wounds that I still suffer from that are slowly healing and there are still wounds that are hidden underneath old scars that have yet to heal. But I'm getting there. I am learning how to recognize and accept the power within me. And most importantly, I am learning how to better protect me from those who only wish to benefit.
I am also in a place where things such as a "ring" have no meaning to me. I dont want a ring, I want a house. An oasis to call my own where I am free to hide from the rest of the world when I choose. And I do not need another soul in that house to complete (except my daughter). Yes I want love, but healthy, unhurried love is what I desire. I crave peace. My spirit is hungry for stability and is exhausted from empty promises and lies. I no longer care to help build the dreams of others especially since I am still laying the foundation of my own.
I look forward to 2021 because I am going to not only show those around me how truly fearless I am, but I am going to prove it to myself . Next year will officially be the year where I will be prepared for the risks I intend on taking. Next year, I will close my eyes, suck in a deep breath, stretch my wings out and fly.
What are you most thankful for? What are your hopes for the future?