So we are quickly approaching the seventh month of 2019 and I swear it feels like the months went by in the blink of an eye. Yesterday, everything really dawned on me while I was on my way to pick my daughter up from her grandmother's house. I realized that although I am much better at maintaining some level of consistency when it comes to my writing, this year my progress in everything else has been relatively slow.
Heartbreak and heartache will do that to you.
And the crazy thing about it is I sensed the ending of that particular cycle a few months before the door was closed on that. And being typical me- the person who is always trying to fix everything and save everyone, I tried my best to fight the inevitable. I pushed. I argued. I prayed. Damn near drove myself crazy because that is how hard I love. I love with the intensity of the cosmos. which I recently realized that in and of itself is where I have gone completely wrong. Because of how hard I love, I am always willing to sacrifice and give to that other person so that he may grow and become the best version of himself. And as noble as that sounds, that helpful, martyr-like, self sacrificing, people pleasing nature of mine held me captive in a toxic relationship for well over a decade and then left me broken in another relationship with someone who simply cared only for himself.
It's crazy how your darkest moments can transform you.
For the first three months of the year, I kept it together on the outside. I smiled when I was supposed to. I laughed. I showed up for work even though I wanted to stay at home at wallow in my sorrows. My routines with my daughter never changed. But inside, my soul wept. I cried every night, sometimes in the shower, or after I popped an allergy pill of mine (that caused drowsiness) is when I would cry myself to sleep. Tears on my pillow... Some mornings before everyone else was up, I would sit in the dark with my cup of coffee and opened laptop and cry. I was emotionally hemorrhaging and on my spiritual deathbed and every single day, I would ask myself, "What the fuck did I do to deserve this? Who did I piss off in a past life that now I have to suffer?"
And to this day I do not know which is worse: one sided relationships or abuse.
But I am not going to ponder on that today or any day for that matter.
It is June 15, 2019 and finally, the emotional and spiritual fog has lifted. Since the moment when the cycle came to an abrupt end, I went into self preservation mode. My soul wept but I dove into self care techniques. I listened to specific healing sounds from YouTube while I slept. I prayed. I mediated. I listened to empowering spiritual messages. I talked to my friends. I practiced ritual bathing, lit my candles, and focused on manifesting all of the things that I know are for me. And in the end, I showed up for me.
Let me say that one more time for the people in the back: I SHOWED UP FOR ME.
I did for a long while hold out hope for a reunion because...well, despite everything, I forgive. But I also do not forget.
The reality hit me back in March when I was snooping on his Instagram- and I will never forget this: He posted a picture of a woman (he has since taken it down) that I never recall him mentioning. Ever. He wrote this long prose about her, declaring his pain about her not being there for her in her final moments . He spoke about her dealing with domestic violence and how she much she needed him and he wasn't there.
She had killed herself.
And the I remembered, he was not there for me when I needed him, yet he would seem to always want to show up for others.
But I was there for him.
I stopped snooping and got my shit together. I still hurt and that defining moment brought with it a tidal wave of pain, but that pain was necessary. It triggered a rebirth. Like the Phoenix, I became ash and from March to I would say recent weeks, I have slowly rebuilt myself from the ashes and although physically I am still the same, mentally, emotionally and spiritually I am not.
Sometimes, that soul wound forces you to dig deep and unearth all of the bullshit that you felt about yourself, all of the bullshit that you allowed from others, all of the ugliness that we never want to face about ourselves. I have done the shadow work.
And I am still performing the shadow work.
I have tapped into a source of power that I have never felt before.
Therefore, come fuck with me if you want to.
So now we are almost seven months into the year, and because of all of the healing and backtracking I had to do, I am a little irritated with myself that I did not accomplish what I originally set out to accomplish which are:
1. Obtaining my passport
2. Joining the Romance Writers of America
3. Meeting my money saving goals.
I will still applaud myself however because I did accomplish a few things on my check off list:
1. Acting as a vendor for book related events.
And I recently released my 14th book, The Lost Queen which is perhaps one of my best works yet.
The good news is, the year isn't over yet. And I am not giving up on myself. I also learned how to forgive myself as I do others. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. But one thing no one can ever say about me is that I do not have a good heart. When I love, I love with all of me and when the universe (God) makes a move like that, that means that I need to plan and prepare for the next chapter. Something big is coming...I know it.
I have spent too many years waiting on a happy ending. But why should happiness end? And, why would I wait? I am not married to any person or circumstance, and even if I was married, that does not mean that change will not occur. It is not my time yet to settle down or be anchored to anyone. My ocean is too deep for that.
What can you learn from this long ass blog of mine?
1. Heal yourself first of anything you still bleed from. You will not meet your destination of greatness if you are focused on licking your wounds.
2. Forgive. Let bygones be bygones and move the hell on.
3. Zero in on what you want and go for it. Smash that shit. Be the best at whatever it is you set out to accomplish.
4. Do you. Do not wait for anyone to hand you anything. Do not wait for anyone to return. Fuck them. Whatever will be, will be.
So that is it for now :). Make sure you check out The Lost Queen!